Your Guide to Casual Sex + Unavailable Men

As always, a post of this kind is a note-to-self -that-might-resonate-with-others. Since I got out of my first relationship (5 years long, very committed), I’ve only engaged in intimacy of the kind indicated in the subject line – emotionally unavailable men included. Here’s a few things you need to face/grapple with if you venture down this path – and especially if you’re a thinking Indian woman.

  1. Your feminism and your sex life are going to come head to head

As a feminist, I want to be able to have sex on a first date without thinking about making the guy chase, and what not. Unfortunately, Indian men are not usually ready for this kind of trust and respect. They tend to take Madonnas for granted, while cursing Maries (pardon the binaries, this is for ease of communication). So you’ll hear them lament the lack of women on Tinder, or the lack of women that will spread their legs fast enough – but if you happen to be dude-like or chilled out, you’re probably going to be taken for granted. You’re probably going to be the rollercoaster they ride for revelation – not the girl they date next. Sorry, darlings. This is not something I like acknowledging; and men, you can hold back your “not-all-men” comments, I know not-all-men but I’ve experienced enough to know “quite-a-fucking-few.”

2. Be prepared to FEEL The thing is, people expect not to feel anything when they engage in casual sex. People, get real. You’re bumping uglies, hormones are being secreted, there’s a reason you’re on Tinder on a Saturday midnight – its because you WANT to feel something. The problem is not feelings, the trouble is that young people don’t quite know how to navigate them – especially in a context like this where feelings are especially taboo. I say its easier to navigate them if you’ve chosen a mature partner who you can talk to about this stuff. Or just play it safe and do one-night-stands – don’t save numbers, don’t look back.

3. Start to think about what you’re really looking for As you traipse down this path, and once you’ve fallen a couple times – you’ll start seeing the journey as one of learning. Learn what you like, what you don’t. Be smart about this experience – use it to refine your search for a relationship that’s worth your 100%. In other words, pay attention, see what works, make different mistakes the next time. Don’t be the same confused fool you were when you started at the end of this stint. Figure out if you’re poly, queer, mony, asexual, into open scenes, what.

4. Run if he says “don’t fall in love/get attached/tell me you love me” There’s going to be at least one asshole that says this to you. Run. Just run. Don’t look back. This is that asshole (sorry, I don’t have another word for this species of scum) that can feel him/herself falling for you – and instead of owning up to the feeling – projects it on you and warns you not to get too senti. Not. Worth. Your. Time. If you wanted to deal with someone’s intimacy issues, you’d be in a relationship with them. Not in their bed.

5. Quit the game Didn’t think I would say this, but this shit gets old. Learn your lessons and quit. You deserve commitment of some kind – emotional, physical, mental, whatever.

  • Tara

Tara runs this business, and eats coffee. — Submit your expression to us at mirrorworkss@gmail.com with a short bio + portrait + relevant contact information to have it featured on this site. Namaskara!

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6 comments

  1. I cannot appreciate more the timing of this post! I was going through the “oh god why did I tinder, i do not know how this shit works” phase just about 10 hours ago. Great post. 🙂

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  2. It’s a game. If you’ve not played it, you think you’re missing out on an experience. Once you play it, it might turn out to be something completely different. I draw an analogy to Eden’s forbidden fruit.
    Btw do you remember we matched? 😀

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  3. Wow….I was swiping through tinder and bumped into a profile that mentioned this blog. A splendid read with a candid, unapologetic and unflinching tone. I believe popular saying of sudhir kakkar that “indian men are emotionally impotent” has been put in a better perspective vide this article.

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  4. Bravo to the conclusions drawn. Between being viewed as purely biological in some parts of the world and an entirely spiritual experience in another, there is also the view that the sexual act is so profoundly personal, it can only be a response to our highest held values in someone else. And somewhere in this confusion, there is the gender specific sexual psychology, evolutionary or pathological? There were no such opportunities when we were growing up. I would say to any young thinking person today, male or female, “Just don’t get hurt, just honor yourselves and take decisions with a sense of responsibility and accountability. Stay safe and solid and rooted !!” And then said Oscar Wilde, “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

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