As always, a post of this kind is a note-to-self -that-might-resonate-with-others. Since I got out of my first relationship (5 years long, very committed), I’ve only engaged in intimacy of the kind indicated in the subject line – emotionally unavailable men included. Here’s a few things you need to face/grapple with if you venture down this path – and especially if you’re a thinking Indian woman.
- Your feminism and your sex life are going to come head to head
As a feminist, I want to be able to have sex on a first date without thinking about making the guy chase, and what not. Unfortunately, Indian men are not usually ready for this kind of trust and respect. They tend to take Madonnas for granted, while cursing Maries (pardon the binaries, this is for ease of communication). So you’ll hear them lament the lack of women on Tinder, or the lack of women that will spread their legs fast enough – but if you happen to be dude-like or chilled out, you’re probably going to be taken for granted. You’re probably going to be the rollercoaster they ride for revelation – not the girl they date next. Sorry, darlings. This is not something I like acknowledging; and men, you can hold back your “not-all-men” comments, I know not-all-men but I’ve experienced enough to know “quite-a-fucking-few.”
2. Be prepared to FEEL The thing is, people expect not to feel anything when they engage in casual sex. People, get real. You’re bumping uglies, hormones are being secreted, there’s a reason you’re on Tinder on a Saturday midnight – its because you WANT to feel something. The problem is not feelings, the trouble is that young people don’t quite know how to navigate them – especially in a context like this where feelings are especially taboo. I say its easier to navigate them if you’ve chosen a mature partner who you can talk to about this stuff. Or just play it safe and do one-night-stands – don’t save numbers, don’t look back.
3. Start to think about what you’re really looking for As you traipse down this path, and once you’ve fallen a couple times – you’ll start seeing the journey as one of learning. Learn what you like, what you don’t. Be smart about this experience – use it to refine your search for a relationship that’s worth your 100%. In other words, pay attention, see what works, make different mistakes the next time. Don’t be the same confused fool you were when you started at the end of this stint. Figure out if you’re poly, queer, mony, asexual, into open scenes, what.
4. Run if he says “don’t fall in love/get attached/tell me you love me” There’s going to be at least one asshole that says this to you. Run. Just run. Don’t look back. This is that asshole (sorry, I don’t have another word for this species of scum) that can feel him/herself falling for you – and instead of owning up to the feeling – projects it on you and warns you not to get too senti. Not. Worth. Your. Time. If you wanted to deal with someone’s intimacy issues, you’d be in a relationship with them. Not in their bed.
5. Quit the game Didn’t think I would say this, but this shit gets old. Learn your lessons and quit. You deserve commitment of some kind – emotional, physical, mental, whatever.
Tara runs this business, and eats coffee. — Submit your expression to us at firstname.lastname@example.org with a short bio + portrait + relevant contact information to have it featured on this site. Namaskara!