I’ve tried, okay?
I’ve tried to accept that our relationship has ended. I’ve tried to believe in the possibility of falling for someone else. I’ve given in to the idea that there can be more than one true love. If Socrates believed that the unexamined life is not worth living, I’ll agree. I decided to examine my romantic life beyond the realm of you and me and see what’s out there.
I met a guy on Tinder.
Me: Hey you. Out there in the cold, getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Him: Nice lines yrrrr. Did you wrote them?
People ask me what it is about you that makes me still love you. It’s simple. What I love about you is what you love about me. Narcissism aside, it’s the fact that you love the parts of me that make me feel good about myself. You let me be who I want to be and I’ve seen you look at me with such sincerity in your love.
I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of hooking up with a foreigner. Found a guy called Richard from Ohio on Tinder. He was clear that he was on it for sexual purposes and wanted to text me dirty things. Long story short…he turned out to be someone named Praphul from Jalandhar. (No, I did not engage in any naughty conversations with him.)
People tell me to stop settling for what we had. I see it differently. If we ever make things work again, I won’t be settling for you. I’ll be reaching for who you can be, who we can be. You may pretend to be Richard right now but I’ll be reaching out to the inner Praphul in you. Every relationship has its problems. What makes it work is trying a little hard on some days and maybe a little harder on some other days. The point isn’t to settle into giving up and moving on. Being with you is a growth, a sense of movement for a better version of ourselves.
I’ve taken full advantage of being home alone for the past week. Besides my regular friends, I’ve had two men stay over. They both drank whiskey and listened to the same music that we do. I was quite impressed and almost felt the possibility of finding someone who makes me feel the way you do.
However, I’m fairly certain that at some point of the night they both thought of me as a booty call. Technically, I’m single and could have gone for it. But I’m not even remotely attracted to either of them. It’s not them, it’s me. I can’t see in them what I see in you. I’ll never find it because what you are is so special. There’s something about the way you look that makes me never want to look elsewhere. It’s a physical thing (also, chemical, biological, mental and everything else.)
From the very first time we spoke I felt a strange connection with you. And I know you did too. We’d talk endlessly about all sorts of things. We enjoyed similar things. We understood each other in ways that others have misunderstood. I did not find a mere boyfriend in you, I found a companion.
I miss that. I miss having that person in my life.
I still have fun conversations, new adventures, exciting experiences. I’m not stopping myself from venturing into a world of possibilities with other people.
But you see what kind of men I have to deal with? I can’t do the single life, I just can’t. I want the comfort of saying and doing what I want and having you know exactly what I mean. I know that takes time to develop between two people but that wasn’t the case for us. It was like instant coffee (which we both detest, I know.)
I don’t have a problem with being single. I’m happy being my own person and doing my own thing. I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete. But don’t we all want at least that one person who we call at the end of the day? The one person who gets us immediately and where you can talk less and convey more? A confidante who will take your secrets to their grave. That one person who you know will never let you down. That one conversation which will always go like:
Me: I love you
You: I love you too.
- Divya Katty
Divya is a full time dreamer, love bug and philosopher. She’s also a psychology grad from Ambedkar University, Delhi. In her words: “If you can talk food to me, drink endless cups of coffee and believe in magic, I’m your girl!”